Saturday, August 8, 2015

being me.

Warning: small rant ahead.

I am beautiful.

Okay, so it was recently brought to my attention that there are those that think I'm either pathetic or looking for attention, or making women everywhere look bad.  To say I was upset after reading that (whether it was meant for me or not) is an understatement.  But I had to process.  I made decisions based on advice from friends and my own mind and heart. So I'm beyond ok now.  BUT, I really, really need to say something.

I am an artist.  I am a woman.  I am sensitive. I feel.  I empathize.  I bare my soul.  This is my platform to do so.  As all of those things and more, I express myself through my art, my photography of second life, and my words.  Pouring my soul out, spewing words out, is my process. This is how I cope.  This is how I work through things.  This is my right.  This is who I am.  

Being this way is a part of me, and it's a part of me that is often brought to my attention how rare and beautiful it is.  I am cherished and loved by many for my ability to do this.  I will not change my behavior for the opinion of others.  I am a beautiful person.  I speak and share my feelings and heart on a daily basis and I will never ever let that change.  This is me.  So.  If my process bothers anyone, if my process makes anyone feel guilt, if my process hurts, then don't fucking look at it.  Don't fucking read it.  Simple.  This is my right.  Rant done.

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Moving on. I recently discovered some things about my feelings with Andre that scared the shit out of me.  We've been seeing each other and things are going well.  We seem to mesh well.  Anyway, he had to go out of town on business, and was unable to be on much, (thank God for texting).  But, the first night, it was a last minute thing, so he didn't know.  I didn't' know.  I wanted to do something special for him.  Purple is his fave color.  And to be honest, I don't' think he's seen me in anything but stripper clothing since he's met me. LOL.  So I dressed up.  Haven't done the girly thing in a while.  It was fun getting all dolled up for him.  It was a surprise for him.  

missing you.
Sadly, he was never able to log that night, and I was alone.  I was moping about it but then I decided to go and take some pics for him just so he'd see that I indeed can wear other things.  LOL...  The thing is, I missed him.  I missed him TOO much.  It scared me.  I don't' want to be so dependent on another person.  Being dependent on someone, letting someone else have some control on your emotions is scary and seems to end up in bad places.  So no.  I freaked out.  Poor Andre had no idea what he was coming home to two days later.  

Major emotional roller coaster was had, but I have friends that helped me through it, one in particular who's turning out to be a really really close friend.  My friend Marik is an amazing person.  His ability to see things clearly and give advice on situations is just awesome.  I love him to pieces.  

So by the time Andre got home, I'd realized that I was ready to close my eyes and jump.  So I literally jumped, and clung to him like a damn monkey.  We sat in our chair for hours talking and cuddling. That.  Just that was amazing.  There have been many emotional upheavals for me in the past couple of days. I completely cut ties with Logan.  Him being a part of my past that I didn't' need a reminder of.  I've stopped thinking of and talking about Kush all the time.  I was slapped out of that.  LOL   "Knock it off, Andre doesn't deserve this."  Yeah, he doesn't.  He's a damn saint.  So yeah.  I'm doing.  It's kind of freeing.  I think Logan was the last hook in me, because since he's left my SL life?  I just feel lighter.  Like all of that is finally behind me, and I'm actually looking ahead.  

missing you.
Oh, and the pictures?  They were a big hit.  Giggles.  Andre is always VERY appreciative of how I look.  I don't know what I did to deserve someone like him, but I'm enjoying the hell out of getting to know more about him and falling more in love with him every day.  

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By the way, I've pulled out of two of the events that I announced I was going to be participating in, due to unforeseen events and artistic differences.  I will NOT be involved in the Classically Kinky fair or the Warehouse.  I am however still going ahead with the Paris monthly event.  

BUT, those gorgeous corsets I designed?  Keep an eye out...releasing them very soon...sneak peak on my Flickr page.  That's it.  Class dismissed.  




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