Friday, July 31, 2015

trust.

To say I have trust issues is an understatement.  It's obvious why I do now, but it hasn't always been that way, I was just made to feel like it was.  I'm starting to learn to listen to my own intuition.  I'm a sensitive person for a reason.  I pick up on stuff that some people miss, and sometimes I don't even realize it myself.  I've been trying to let my brain tell me when something doesn't feel, it probably isn't.  

Realizing this was like a bulb coming on.  I'M not crazy.  I'm just picking up on things others are trying to hide either consciously or subconsciously.  I never realized how much Kush DIDN'T trust me till someone did.  I'm still a little wary of it, but slowly understanding that, I don't have to account for all my time, don't have to have explanations at the ready...don't have to be defensive.  Andre trusts me and that's humbling.

Because of this and his sweet nature and utter devotion, I've decided Andre deserved more from me. HE deserves to have all of me that I can give him.  He didn't ask.  He told me he'd be patient and wait.  Well shit.  That did it.  This was a really difficult thing for me to do for more than one reason. First, I had to break it to a couple of my friends.  Only two of them really deserved an explanation and they got it.  This was a very scary thing for me to do.  Removing my safety nets.  Trusting that Andre would catch me.

A lot of people give me shit for Logan.  But you know what?  He really does care about me and is a true friend.  He wants what's best for me and realizes that's not him.  Was he disappointed?  Sure. Did that stop him from being happy for me?  No.  His advice to me was to get out and meet new people, stop tying myself to people like him and Kush. Ha.  

We've since realized we can't really be friends right now, it's jut not gonna work.  So Logan and I have parted ways for a time so I can give Andre the attention he deserves.  So that's it, I'm taking the damn leap again...crazy?  Hell yes.  Stupid?  Maybe.  Am I over Kush?  Of course not.  Some hurts run way too deep.  That will likely take many more months of healing, if not years.   But now I have Andre to listen to me vent, to dry my tears, and to catch me.  It's nice.  Not so alone. 

One of the biggest things with my new life was my love of dancing at Lars.  It feeds the part of my personality that craves attention and I've come to count on it as part of who I am in SL.  I was more than a little concerned that tying myself to anyone meant that I'd have to stop.  Remember that thing called trust?  Yeah.  Andre loves it.  Loves seeing me flirt and and dance for other men, cause he knows he gets to take me home.  

Asha, Leggs, and me....so much fun that night!

I love it when he does the same.  Which confused me at first.  I thought I was a jealous person. Didn't used to think that about myself, but with Kush, I was.  Again with the trust.  Because of his lack of trust in me?  Because of my intuition picking up on his lack of trust and devotion to me, it caused that jealous reaction.  I didn't feel safe and loved and cherished.  If you trust someone?  With no strings attached?  That's enough.

Our new home. Scarlet Creative mod.
So yes, I've come full circle in the space of one month's time.  I swear to god, it feels like decades have past, but then it feels like just yesterday I could hear Kush chattering in my ear.  I still have my moments. EVERY time I go to an event or fashion fair, I always find myself checking the list of nearby avatars, making sure he's not there.  Never fails.  My fave thing to do in SL reminds me of him.  Ha.  Oh well.  I know that in time that will fade too.  And now I've got a strong man holding me up as he says till I can stand on my own two feet.  


So we celebrated our first night together in our new home.  Which he loved.  It was a surprise.  And it's got my signature color.  Of course I couldn't' leave it alone.  It's a Scarlet Creative build, a cabin, but I totally modded all the textures to lighten it up.  I love it.  It's unique and it's ours.  So here's hoping August runs smoothly for me, cause I gotta say, July?  LONGEST MONTH EVER.  Bye for now.  

xoxo, .Sass.


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