Wednesday, July 15, 2015

naiive? or just stupid.

Okay, this is sort of a rant.  Fair warning.  I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, I'm nice to everybody and I love to make people happy and smile.  I do my best to get along.  I treat others with respect.  I understand there is a real person there at their keyboard with real feelings.  

Why is that I don't get that same in return?  I honestly don't understand some people.  I try so hard to put myself out there.  Which is really not an easy thing to do being an introverted and shy person.  I recently went on about new friends.  Even shared some pics.  Two days later?  No friends.  At least not with a couple of them. Why?  I HAVE NO IDEA.  Sure I got the old, "hey, you're cool, but I'm trying to start over, get rid of my past excuse..." Can someone please explain how me being platonic friends with a guy constitutes being unfriended?  

I was initially really upset.  I even wrote to another mutual friend trying my best to stay away from him and respect his wishes, never got a response there either.  Hence the lost a couple of new friends. I'm in a fragile place still, on shaky ground at best, and losing new friends that I thought were so freakin awesome and sweet was a blow.  BUT, talking it out with Gweeb helped a lot.  He explained to me that it's not my issue, it's theirs.  Why be upset about it?  You're letting them control how you feel.  He's so smart.  

So yes, Gweeb.  Another new friend.  I seem to take one step forward, and two steps back lately.  I'm going along, doing my best to live and be happy and really enjoy myself, but then there will be a quiet night where I'm actually alone.  And then my mind starts to wander.  I've done well not torturing myself and perving Kush's profile or flickr, till yesterday.  Had a week moment.  Yep, still caused a stomach ache.  I wonder if that will ever go away.  I miss talking to him.  I miss hanging out with Ang.  

I recently was trying to move some of his photos gifted to me over the past few months and lost them all.  I bawled so hard and tried everything, I was not able to recover them.  A sign?  I don't know.  It really sucks.  I've never had to completely remove someone from my life before.  I've always been able to maintain a friendly relationship with ex's after the breakup...maybe it's because he was different.  I don't know.  Now I'm rambling.

I still write dark "poetry" and speew on a page, just don't share.  A wise man recently gave me the advice that it will kill them more NOT to know what you are doing...I suppose that just went out the window if I choose to publish this, hey?  LOL.

So back to the topic of new friends.  I still have new friends, I'm still making more, but now I really really dont' trust myself to make the right judgements. Is this person a good person?  Are they gonna hurt me?  I've been told to just lock it down, close it up, don't share my heart with anyway, but part of my personality and charm (I've been told) is that I am so open and honest and I do care.  How can you not care, at least a little bit about these people you see everyday and interact with?  How can you so callously just "unfriend" them?  THAT is a chickenshit way to deal with anything.  But this world makes it easy for cowards doesn't it?

So I'm tentative and wary, but still plugging away.  I deal with some real losers almost on a daily basis, but I'm learning how to take care of them as well.  I've got a couple new girl friends, which for me is a huge step.  A little scared about that, but I think it's ok, I don't have anyone that I wouldn't share with them. LOL...I'll have to get some pics of me and my little neko soon, Asha is my new bestie (a fellow dancer) we're usually joined at the hip or other parts while working at Lars.  

And much to Gweeb's appreciation the color is slowly seeping back into my wardrobe.  LOL..I actually wore something cute yesterday and not goth and it about bowled him over.  So yes, I still mostly put on my 'safe'clothes still, shroud myself in darkness, but I am starting to come back alive, slowly and surely.

That's it.  OH!  You want a picture?  giggles....ok...I'll take more soon, promise...

Yeah, the outfit?  Not the cute one I was talking about above.  This is me getting ready for "work", dancing at Lars.....*wicked grin*..

And yes, before you ask, I FINALLY GOT INTO THE HAIR FAIR!  I won't tell you how much I spent, let's just say it almost reached the double digits....giggles...I wanted ALL the hair.  Okay, actual photo credits!  Finally, now you can see who does my new skin.

body. maitreya mesh body. lara v3.3
shape. mine. *for sale SOON!*
skin. DeeTaleZ Skin A.T.W. Miranda Mixedtype.
brows shape. Birdy. Maisie brows.
tattoos. TAOX. tattoo and applier. Bitchy.

eyes. ikon. odyssey eyes. oxidation.
eyelashes. angel rock. eyelash extensions. soft dark brown.
eyelashes. mon cheri. falsies. eyelashes lower.

eyes. plastik. soul ink. half lash/betty.
eyes. dazed. irked eyeshadow set
lips. pink fuel. glossy pout lipsticks. bright. hot pink.
nails. the wicked peach. summer basics.

lamb. crave you. blacks.

ears. unisex [mandala] steking mesh ears.
necklace. **re** lux. caged heart collar.
nose. pomposity. gemstone nose stud.
glasses. mkn. purada 2. glasses. black.
nipples. misha j. nipple rings.
rings. earthstones. karuka bracelet and ring set. silver/turquoise.

top. rachael swallows. peek a boo tops. hot pink.
fishnet tights. rachael swallows. fishnet tights.
skirt.  envious. out of love. bow skirt.
bra & panties.  vision. s&f. lingerie dolls. black.
shoes.  kc. belen for maitreya. color hud!

belle poses. whore curtain.

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